CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CARLY

The entrance to my complex doesn’t give me the warm inviting feeling of coming home that I’m used to. It feels cold and empty tonight, even though Ridge is right here beside me. His hand in mine feels strange and foreign. I can still smell Adair’s cologne on me from when I used his jacket as a blanket in the car. Every breath is like another knife through my heart. We said our vows less than eight hours ago and he’s already bailed again. The constant yo-yo of emotions from being with him is more than I can handle. I’m not strong enough to be with Adair Miller. My heart literally cannot take it.

“Carly,” Alexei says as he lowers his head bringing his chin to his chest. “How are you this evening?”

“I’m fine,” I say with a fake smile plastered to my face. I’m not fine. “Actually…” I pat Ridge on the arm and nod toward the elevator. “You can go ahead and go on up. I need to talk to him for just a minute.”

“Are you sure?” He asks with a confused expression on his face.

I am absolutely sure I need space right now or I’m going to explode. “Yes.”

“Okay.” He leans over kissing me on the forehead. I try to hide the cringe that takes over my body when he does. It’s definitely not the same feeling I had at the radio event when Adair’s lips were almost touching mine. Just thinking about it sends a rush of warmth back through my veins. “I’ll wait for you upstairs,” Ridge says without a freaking clue.

I nod, forcing a tight-lipped smile on my face as he disappears behind the elevator doors.

“This one,” Alexei nods to where the elevator stands. “He’s no good for you.” The walls of the lobby suddenly feel like they’re closing in on me. Cough, cough.

“I know.” Sigh. The wooden desktop is cold against the bare skin of my arms as I sprawl across it in defeat. “But how do you know that?”

A warm smile crosses his features. “I told you.”

“The eyes?”

He nods. “The other one. The loud, obnoxious one.”

“Adair,” I offer.

“Yes, Adair,” he scoffs. “There’s something about him that makes you light up when you see him. This one,” he nods back to the elevator, “your eyes are dull and defeated when you look at him.”

Dull and defeated. That sounds about right.

“You remind me of my daughter. I would never want to see her with someone who she looked at the way you look at him. She deserves better. You deserve better.”

“Thanks, Alexei,” I say, patting him on the shoulder. “I hope you get to go home to see her soon.”

“I do too, Miss Carly,” he says with a sadness that makes my heart break. I make a mental note to see if there’s something I can do to help him as the elevator doors slide to a close.

They reopen way too fast. It was barely enough time to breathe let alone figure out what I’m going to do about the man waiting for me in my apartment. The door is standing open with Ridge standing over the coffee table, his eyes focused on the envelope. “You never opened it.”

“I didn’t,” I admit.

He picks it up and puts it in my hands. “Open it, now. Please.”

I let out a heavy sigh and tear the paper open revealing a one-way ticket to New York dated for Monday morning. “Ridge, I—”

“I’ve tried not to push, but I’m leaving, and I’d really like you to be there with me when I do.”

“I—”

He drops to one knee in front of me and pulls a red velvet box out of his pocket. Is something in the air today? I need them all to take a freaking break and let me figure out what I want out of my life. “Carly, I—”

“Don’t.” I put my hand over his keeping him from opening the box. Dropping to my knees in front of him, I put my hand over his gently closing the box and covering the ring it holds. “Ridge, I can’t let you do this.”

“What do you mean? I love you, Carly.”

He loves me? “No. You don’t know me.”

“Of course, I do.”

“You can’t know me because I don’t even know myself anymore. If I said yes, it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“Fair to me?” He shakes his head in confusion. “Carly—”

“You deserve someone who is whole. Someone who can love you the way you deserve. That person isn’t me. I haven’t been whole in a long time,” I confess.

His confusion shifts into a sad smile. “It’s Adair, right?”

“I just can’t love you in the way you deserve, Ridge. I don’t want to lie to you 

and pretend I can be the person you want me to when I know I can’t.”

“Because I’m not him?” He stuffs the box back in his pocket as he stands up to leave.

“It has nothing to do with anyone other than me.”

He scoffs. “When you get tired of waiting on him to grow up, let me know. You know where I’ll be,” he says, letting the door slam behind him while his words still hang in the air.

It’s too much and it all rushes in on me at once. I let myself drop the rest of the way to the floor and finally stop fighting the tears, which have been begging for release since Colorado Springs.

I want to be happy.

I have to find myself, first.