CHAPTER TWELVE
BRENDA

Walking into Wanted Burger, I was enveloped by the oh-so-familiar hum of voices, the clatter of forks against plates, and the unhurried chatter from the kitchen. Marty, a silver-haired man who had been manning the grill since I was a kid, gave me a nod of hello. Darla, the waitress who had waited tables in this little mom-and-pop shop for decades, seated us at a corner booth and glanced between us with a wry twist of her lips pointed at me.

I knew what that look meant…was I on a date? I smiled at her, hoping to reassure her all was well. I didn’t mind, she meant well.

She always knew how to look after me. During chemo she only served up those dishes that didn’t turn my stomach or deaden the taste buds since so many cancer patients end up being nauseous or lose their sense of taste. She knew how much I loved the pie there and had it on her order pad before I’d even asked. “Coffee?”

“Yes, please, Darla.” I responded, looking over at Cash. “What will you have?”

“The same, please.” Cash said, though he’d mentioned a burger earlier.

“That all?” Darla asked, looking over at him. Cash nodded and I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.

“I thought you wanted a burger, too?” I laughed softly, not wanting to insult him, just curious.

“I’ve been eating so much since I’ve been home, I’m going to start putting weight on. The pie isn’t exactly healthy, but it’ll hold me over until breakfast.” He said, his cheeks turning a little pink.

“You’re kidding? As if it would be so bad if you put a little weight on,” I said in disbelief. I knew female celebrities were hounded to look like pencils but I didn’t think it was the same for men.

“It’s killer out there in the world for men and women. We’re just as likely to be ridiculed if we put on too much weight as the women are. Believe me, I’ve seen it happen to friends.” He said, but then clamped his mouth shut. Loyalty made him do that, instinct told me. I liked that.

“That’s just sad. Short and round, tall and thin, we all come in a variety of packages. That’s not what matters,” I said, hating that the world was so judgemental. I thought about the scar under my right armpit, the deep scar where I’d had a lumpectomy to remove the cancerous cells that grew there. It had been done to try to save my breast tissue, but I knew my future would depend on how well I took care of myself now. It was a huge hit to my identity, to who I thought I was as a female, that ugly scar, but it was a part of me I’d tried to accept. It could be worse, I could have no breasts at all now.

I tried to change the subject, to go for something lighter. Darla sauntered back over to bring our coffee to us and my stomach grew tight with anxiety. Why did I agree to this again? Suddenly sitting here felt like so much more than just another meal or a chat with a friend.

“So, tell me more about you Brenda.” Cash leaned his elbow on the table. “What do you do with yourself here in Tender Hills? It’s so weird, I feel like I should know you, but I didn’t meet you until I came back.”

I kept the reason for all of that to myself. “I spend most of my time at the school, really. I volunteer for a lot of activities there, when school is done for the day.”

Cash’s eyes widened in interest as I spoke. He asked about my job, what it was like to be a first-grade teacher and my hobbies. I recounted the daily wonders of my profession, the joy of hearing young minds connect ideas and discovering music for the first time with them.

“That all sounds so awesome, especially the part about where you feel like you make connections with the kids. I guess it’s the same for me with my music. When I can see the look in their eyes when they really feel it, when they really get it, then I feel like I’ve accomplished something.”

I nodded, certain that’s what it was like because I was the same about playing the violin. “I guess it is like that. I play the violin and while I’ve never played concerts like you have, it’s magical, watching what you create bring out the emotions in someone.”

There was a shared passion there and I felt my interest in Cash growing. Not because he was famous, but because we understood each other on a level I hadn’t expected. It didn’t hurt that he was handsome, had a great voice, or that he could make great music videos, but that wasn’t all that drew me to him. “I’ve always been a big fan, I just never thought I’d get the chance to meet you.”

I blushed, feeling tension building inside of me when I said that. Now I sounded like a stupid fangirl, gushing over her celebrity crush and I hated myself for it. I’m a grown woman, I shouldn’t be acting like this.

“I’m glad you have and I’m glad I got to meet you too. So, you play the violin? Classical music or something different?” He asked, his coffee cold now, but his pie was gone. I noticed the change of subject, but let it go. He didn’t want to talk about his fans, I didn’t want to talk about my cancer.

Okay, I didn’t want to talk about the cancer because I didn’t want his pity, and he was avoiding talk of fans because it embarrassed him, it was still understandable.

“A little bit of everything, whatever I’m in the mood for.” I said, looking at his coffee, hating that I was the center of attention. “You want a refill?”

“If you don’t mind staying a little while longer, sure.” He leaned back in the booth and looked for Darla.

“You two were so cozied up, I didn’t want to interrupt. What can I get for you?” Darla asked, a smug smile in place. I looked away from that know-it-all smile and muttered that I’d like some water.

“I’ll have a glass of iced tea, please, Darla,” Cash said

“So, what’s it like to be on the road all the time?” I asked once Darla brought our drinks and went back to staring out of the front door, hoping for something to do, no doubt.

“Hectic. In a word, hectic. It’s great sometimes. Meeting my fans, getting a group of people hyped up, singing my heart out, that’s great. The long nights, missing my family, all the travel, the constant need for security, and to watch what I say, being under the spotlight? That’s tough. Real tough sometimes.” Cash looked down at his glass of tea and I voiced the word he hadn’t spoken.

“It sounds lonely.” I looked away this time, feeling that I might have overstepped myself.

“It can be, yeah. I don’t plan on being gone so long with this next album. If I ever get the songs written.” He winced at the end, and I knew he’d let that slip without thinking.

“Writer’s block?” I asked, wondering if that was the right term.

“Either that or I’m a one hit wonder, and I’d hate to think that was it for me. But, if it is, then I guess I’ll have to be grateful. It’s been a whirlwind rodeo ride for the last five years. Maybe I need some time to come down from it. I just don’t have a lot of that before my next album is due.”

“Will they be like your last album?” I wondered out loud. “It’s just that I loved those songs so much. They really got me through some…hard times.”

“I hear that a lot, and I’m glad they did. I don’t know what my next album will be. I think it’ll be different, though.” Cash met my gaze this time and I felt my heart thud hard and fast in my chest. I loved his eyes so much and right now? They weren’t hiding anything from me. I saw his worry, but also his delight in being there with me.

I smiled and took a deep breath. “I’m a good listener, if you ever want to talk about it. And I know some great nursery rhymes that might inspire you.”

That made him laugh, which is what I was hoping for.

We finished our drinks after that and he walked me back to the bookstore, where my car was parked.

“I had a really great time this evening, Brenda. Thank you so much for spending it with me. Can I ask you if we can do it again one night?”

“It was my pleasure, Cash. And maybe. Do you remember Pic & Strings? You can meet me there tomorrow, after school lets out. You can help me choose some new sheet music.”

“I’d love that. Want me to meet you there or at the school?” He asked, standing a little close. Suddenly, I didn’t mind. Twilight was long gone and the darkness had settled in, but I could hear frogs singing somewhere. Overhead, the stars filled the sky, and it was just…perfect. I almost wanted him to kiss me, but I pulled my lips between my teeth and opened my door before I could make a fool of myself by closing my eyes and holding up my face for him.

“I’ll meet you at the shop. Thanks, Cash and good night.” I said as I got into the car, my keys in hand.

“See you, tomorrow, Bren. Drive home safe. Good night.” Cash stayed until I started the car and drove off. My heart skipped a beat when I looked in my rearview mirror and caught him watching me with a thoughtful expression on his face. What was I doing?

Living, I thought to myself. Living a little, for once.