CHAPTER NINETEEN
GRIFFIN

The way her hand tightened around mine as we walked through the maze of press and fans. The way her face nuzzled into my shoulder to block the steady stream of blinding lights and intrusive shutter clicks from cameras and fans’ phones. The way she never let go of my hand as I led her past them on our way to the door, not even when they pulled me in for one selfie after another. All the ways London James firmly rooted herself in my heart even more than she already was. The easy silence between us now as we walk through the gated access area to a restaurant just across the street is something that I’ve never known with anyone else. There’s always been a need for something to be said, an awkward sense of struggling to fit in.

Not tonight.

I’m already addicted to having her next to me. Her hand in mine. Our bodies close enough I can feel every shiver as the night air touches her skin. It’s comfortable tonight, but after playing a show and being a sweaty mess, it doesn’t take much to make you chill. I’m cursing myself for not grabbing a hoodie or something to offer her for the short walk.

The aroma of deep-fried pickles, onion rings, fries, and cheeseburgers wafts from our to-go containers. My stomach growls as if on command.

“That smells really good,” she says taking a deep breath. “I can honestly say I worked up an appetite.”

“So did I.” My stomach rumbles again. “Sorry. It’s got a mind of its own.”

She giggles and the soft, sweet sound seems to be caught in the light breeze as it surrounds me. “I would imagine you did,” she says.

I cringe, gritting my teeth. “Is this because I was all sweaty and gross after the show?”

She looks away and seems to be considering it.

“Hey! That’s not fair. I was running all over that stage for like an hour and a half.”

“Oh. I’m aware.”

“Were you watching me from your bus, Miss James?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Mister Rockstar.” She pats me on the back like I’ve been her best friend her entire life. Friend. “The smell before you showered was enough to clue me in.” She wrinkles her nose and makes the cutest scrunch face I’ve ever seen in my life.

“I am starving, but mine isn’t from busting my ass on stage. I only performed two songs with you guys.” She shrugs. “I think it’s because I’ve been running on anxiety and adrenaline all day. Actually, all weekend.”

I reach around her, rubbing my hand up and down her arm hoping to knock the chill off, and calm whatever leftover nerves might be trying to get the best of her. “I know you’re way out of your comfort zone, but you realize you absolutely knocked it out of the park, right?”

Silence.

“London, I’m being completely serious.” I step in front of her to look her in the eye. “Nigel is wanting to ask you to take on more songs starting tomorrow, because you did such a kick ass job up there.”

“More? Songs?” Her head shakes back and forth as the words slowly roll off her tongue.

“Don’t be so surprised, London.” I hook her arm back through mine and grab her hand, pulling her along with me as the bus door slides open. “This is only the beginning of your story, get ready.” I try not to be distracted by her legs in those shorts as she climbs the stairs into the cab.

It’s a very difficult task.

And failed.

“Case!” She yell-whispers. “Where are you?”

Red bouncy curls pop out of the small bathroom as Casey peeks around the door. “I’m in here getting ready for my date. I thought you were going to be back earlier.” Casey’s eyes land on me and a wry smile comes over her. “Oh, I see.” She gives London a knowing look. “I didn’t know you were going to have company.”

London rolls her eyes and points to the counter for me to unload our take-away feast of grease and carbs. “We’re just hungry, Case.”

“No doubt,” she says as she wiggles past in the narrow walkway. “You two have fun,” she giggles as she bounces off the bus.

“She’s got a lot of…” How should I word it? “Energy,” I finally decide that’s the most P.C. way of putting it.

A smile lifts her lips as she pops open the containers. “Here, this one is yours.” She passes me my double cheeseburger and dumps half the bag of onion rings on top of my fries. “Casey’s a great friend and I love her, but she does have a fire in her that most don’t have. I think that’s why I love her so much.”

“That makes sense.” Sounds exactly like how I feel about the woman talking to me right now. “Do you want me to stick this one in the fridge for Carter?” I grab the third container off the counter.

“Uh-huh,” she says, with a fried pickle in her mouth. “Please.” She claims her spot on the small sofa and clicks on the television. She’s sitting closer to the middle this time, instead of retreating into the armrest. It makes me happy that she’s letting herself loosen up. I take the spot right next to her and make no efforts to keep my hand from brushing her thigh as I sit down. Her muscles tense, but she doesn’t flinch. She leans into my touch just enough to let me know she doesn’t mind it. That’s good enough for me… for now. My heart skips a few beats as I try to recover mentally from the feeling of her soft, smooth skin against my fingertips. “So,” I pop a fry in my mouth, “what made you decide to homeschool Carter?”

She looks like a deer in headlights right now. I silently curse this habit I seem to have established of saying the exact wrong thing every single time I open my mouth around her. Her fingers tap the button on the remote scrolling through movie after movie. I’m not sure how she can even read the titles and descriptions that fast. I shake my head to clear the fog of blurred images from my mind and go back to my food.

“You don’t have any kids, do you?”

“No. I always wanted to be a father. It just hasn’t been in the cards for me, yet.”

She nods and takes a bite out of her double cheeseburger. She clearly takes very good care of herself.

She’s fit.

She’s beautiful.

But she knows how to relax and enjoy some good ol’ fashioned comfort food.

“I used to be incredibly selfish.” Her tone shifts to something I hadn’t heard from her yet. “You could probably ask my parents and they’d tell you I wasn’t, but I was.”

“I think we all go through that. It’s a rite of passage into almost-adulthood.”

She nibbles on the inside of her cheek as she mulls it over. “Maybe. Something changes the second you become a parent though. Being responsible for someone else’s life is,” she lets out a deep sigh, “humbling and the greatest gift I could’ve ever asked for.”

“I can see that.”

“Being Carter’s Mom has been even more rewarding than I could have imagined. We’ve had to learn as we go. I didn’t have any experience with children when I had Carter, but the second he opened his tiny eyes and looked up at me I knew… I just had to figure it out.”

“Sounds like your determination is similar to mine.” I spread one arm out wide gesturing toward the slew of busses surrounding our little musical encampment. ”We both have people counting on us to keep it together.”

She purses her lips together and tilts her head to the side as she considers it. “It might be similar. You’re a dad after all, Griffin Miller.” She lets out a burst of laughter. I peek around her to make sure Carter is still sleeping.

No signs of movement.

London’s focus follows my gaze to the back of the bus. “Did you just check to see if I woke him up?”

“Uh…” I quickly shove food in my mouth and mumble hoping she’ll take that as enough of a response.

“Those are some pretty good reflexes there. You might not be an awful dad after all.”

I choke on my burger.

“I was just teasing, Mister Rockstar.” She rocks her shoulder into mine playfully. Her eyes have that sparkle in them again. “I have a feeling you’ll be a great father when the time is right for you.”

I start to respond but she cuts me off.

“Carter will always be my top priority.”

Who am I to second guess anything she does? “That’s exactly what makes you such a good mom.”

The energy shifts inside the bus cabin. It’s heavy and feels strained. “It goes a little deeper than that,” she says. “You asked why I decided to homeschool Carter.”

“Yeah.”

“I was homeschooled. It just made sense.”

“Right. The real story now, please.” Apparently, I’m not going to break the habit of saying the wrong things anytime soon. Sometimes I wish I could just punch myself in the face without having to worry about being committed.

She lets out a deep sigh and pokes at a fried pickle. “Carter is on the spectrum.”

“Oh, I didn’t know.” I feel like a jackass and an idiot. A jack-idiot. That’s me.

She waves her hand dismissively in my direction. “Honestly, he’s done so well and I’m so proud of him. He’s overcome most of the hurdles his doctors suggested would keep him from a normal life.” She makes air quotes around the word normal. “And he’s done that mostly on his own.”

“He’s a strong little guy,” I say completely in awe of the strength in these two.

“So, if you want to know the truth of why I chose to keep Carter with me, it’s because I know my child far better than a teacher will know him on the first day of school, or at the end of the school year.” She shrugs. “The type of meltdowns that he has could keep us from getting to day two at school, if the wrong person is left in that classroom with him.”

I feel my eyebrows pinch together. “What do you mean?”

She lets out a deep sigh. “When he has a meltdown, sometimes he becomes aggressive, and it never fails… he’ll try to elope within a few hours.”

“He’s wandered off before?”

Her eyes automatically trail down the hall toward where Carter is sleeping sound with his solar system plushy. “Yeah.” Her voice is a whisper.

“What happened?”

She pauses and purses her lips together.

“Oh, London, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“It’s fine,” she says with a look in her eye I’ve only ever seen once before. “It was the day Nick and I were supposed to be married.”

“He didn’t like the guy?”

Tears well in the corner of her eyes but she chokes them back and takes a deep breath. “The problem wasn’t Nick. The problem was me.”

“I highly doubt that.” I want to comfort her, but I clearly don’t know how. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I already regret them.

She ignores my epic fail at trying to be supportive. “I was so heartbroken and wrapped up in myself after being left at the altar that I wasn’t paying attention.” She swipes at a stray tear sliding down her cheek.

“You found him though! He was okay?”

She nods. “He didn’t make it very far. I had taken off running, calling his name, and everyone else followed. The crazy girl in a wedding dress running down the street tends to draw attention, so we were lucky. We found him a block up the road sitting underneath a tree.”

“Why that tree?”

She shrugs. “There was no clear reason why he picked that tree, or why he left to begin with.”

My heart is aching to comfort her somehow. I’m at a complete loss of what to do, so I just reach for her hand and hope she knows she’s not alone.

“After that, I knew, I could never let myself get so wrapped up in anything again that I lost sight of what really matters,” she says, still looking away.

“I’m so sorry you went through that.” The strength that must take as a parent…

“You just do what needs done, you know?” she tilts her head to the side and wipes away another stray tear.

“What about now?”

She nods toward where Carter is sleeping. “He has a tracker on him—at all times.”

I remember noticing the sturdy band around his wrist. “That red bracelet he’s sporting? I thought it was some new fad all the kids were wearing.” 

The weight in her eyes contradict the smile she flashes. “That’s my super-mom skills. We call it his tactical gear. He thinks it sounds cool and tough. I don’t care what we call it as long as it stays on him.”

“Tactical gear. I love it. He’s a smart kid.” 

“The smartest person I’ve ever known. So, my decision was easy. If he ever had a meltdown in class, because they didn’t have the right color crayon, or he couldn’t separate the Legos by color, the teacher wouldn’t be able to put him in the car and drive with his favorite song on repeat until he regained control,” her voice cracks.

“And that’s why you said yes to the gig. Music is what helps him through those moments isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Her smile is warm and loving. Different from what I’ve seen through the majority of my career. “Music calms him, so being closer to a seemingly unlimited source of music seemed like a really good idea.”

“And the security and added surveillance to make sure he stays safe and doesn’t elope…”

“Bingo.” She taps a fingernail to my chest. “It’s a blessing for us in more ways than one. I can make sure he’s protected to the best extent of my abilities, but without making him feel different or outcast because he needs to be watched so closely.”

“London,” I can’t find the words I need and so desperately want to say, “I’ve only known you for a few days, but you have my complete respect. You’re an incredible mom.” I love the smile that takes over her features when I tell her she has my respect.

It gives me hope.

Hope is dangerous.

“He’s lucky to have you, you know?”

She shakes her head and her eyebrows crash together. “I’m lucky to have him. He made me grow up and forces me to be a better person and do better every single day.”

I want to pull this woman into me and wrap my arms around her to let her know I’ll protect her and Carter from anything that dares to threaten them. I can’t scare her off with too much too fast. This woman could quite literally destroy my heart and leave me in a pile of mush if she only wanted to. My heart has already opened up completely to both of them… and we’re only on day one.

Day freaking one.

“The way you were just looking at me. What was that?” 

“Huh? Was I…?” I cough, choking on my damn fry. “Uh…” Cough. “I was just…” I can’t help how I feel. It’s like a freight train and there’s no sign of it slowing down. “I was just kind of taken with how your eyes light up when you talk about Carter.” At the end of this tour, she’s going to take Carter and they’ll go back to their life. I don’t even want to imagine having to figure out what I’m going to do with myself after being so close to the one thing I want in this world and then losing it. “It’s just… refreshing.” I lift my ball cap and run my hand through my hair before putting the cap back on my head. “It’s really amazing to see up close and personal, especially after being without our parents for so long.” Where did this stupid lump in my throat come from? That was not supposed to happen.

“Thank you.” She smiles as she runs her thumb across my cheek.

My body responds in record time to the soft, innocent touch of her hand. 

Christ.

I resign myself to just sharing this moment with her and realizing how lucky I am, to have these two amazing people in my life, even if only for the time being.

“Don’t get all sappy on me, Mister Rockstar.” She tosses the remote in my lap causing me to jolt upright, pulling me out of my emotional and mental downward spiral. “Find us something to watch. I clearly suck at this,” she says.

“Yeah, you do.” I laugh as I duck the pillow being launched at my head. “How about this one?”

“Christmas Romance?”

“Who doesn’t love a little Christmas Romance?”

“Okay, fine. But you have to tell me something about you now.”

Wait. What? “Uh…”

“I just told you something really personal about us, now it’s your turn.”

I take a deep breath trying to decide just how personal she’d like me to go with this. Is I would like to watch Christmas Romance with you for as long as we both shall live too personal?

It’s probably too personal.

“Okay.” I swallow hard and decide to roll the dice. “I told you I don’t really want to live the rockstar life anymore.”

“Right.”

“I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a certain kind of rush that came from hearing the chants and cheers of all those adoring fans.” I take note of the slight cringe in her face when I mention the adoring fans. “But at the same time there’s a feeling that comes with the territory that’s less than pleasant.”

“What feeling is that?”

“Shame,” I answer without hesitation.

“Shame?” she shakes her head in disbelief.

I’m a little in disbelief myself. I can’t believe I’m telling anyone this. I’ve never even discussed it openly with my brothers. They know I’m ready for the next stage in life, but they have no idea the level of resentment I have for The Machine and the image they force me to wear. “I feel like a fraud. I love the fact that we get to share our music with the world, but they don’t know anything about who we are as people. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m cheating my soul by living a lie.”

She reaches out and my fingers instinctively wrap around hers without a second of pause. Everything about her seems so delicate and fragile, until you find out who she really is. The way her thumb delicately caresses the rough skin of my calloused hands trying to comfort me almost makes me forget what we were talking about.

“But you said this was your dream come true.”

She’s right. I did dream and work for this my entire life. “Sometimes you don’t know what you’re asking for until you get it. There has to be a better way to share our music than selling my soul every single night.”

London leans back in her seat. “I know that feeling all too well.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nick.”

“Ah.” I hear the growl coming from my throat before I can even stop myself.

She chuckles and brings her hand to my chest.

 It’s a simple movement, as all of her touches have been, but it’s enough to make my heart stop cold in its tracks.

“We were together so long, I thought I should want to be married to him,” she says. “So, I made myself want it even though it really wasn’t right. I knew it. Deep down, I knew. I just never wanted to admit it.”

So, she’s not pining after him. That’s a step in the right direction. The tension in my shoulders relaxes… just a little. “Well, he was an idiot for not fighting tooth and nail for you.”

She folds her to-go container closed and tosses it in the trash, which is just barely more than arm’s length away. It’s a large tour bus, but it’s still pretty tight quarters. “I appreciate you saying that, but it’s much better this way. My point was that maybe you’re just hanging on to something because you’ve done it so long it’s hard to imagine doing anything else.”

“I never really wanted the rockstar life.” My eyebrow raises as I playfully narrow my eyes at her. “I definitely did not sign up for STDs and partying every night.”

“I can’t believe I said that.” She giggles as both hands cover her face. “I have zero filter when I’m nervous.”

“It’s really okay.” I love her outspoken and unapologetic nature. “But just so we’re clear, that’s never been my style. It’s too much for my simple brain, regardless of what the tabloids would have you believe.”

She settles back into the soft cushion of the sofa and curls her legs underneath her, which means she’s leaning against me. Her head just an inch or so from my shoulder. I sit up straighter hoping she’ll let herself sink into me.

“So, why did you start down the rockstar path if it wasn’t for the girls and booze?”

“I just wanted to make music and spread a little hope back into the world for kids who come from Nowhere, USA, or anywhere really, and want to believe that something bigger is waiting for them. My father gave up his dreams for me. I wanted to inspire others to know that no one has to settle for less than their dreams.”

“That’s really beautiful.” She isn’t shy about letting her eyes bore into mine. It feels like she’s trying to read my soul with the depth of her stare.

“Sometimes those dreams might have to change a little bit.” I pinch my index and thumb together.

“Life does have a funny way…” she yawns.

“A funny way of making us realize we don’t know what we truly want until it bites us right on the ass.” I take a chance and put my arm on the sofa behind her pulling her closer to me, so that her head is resting on my shoulder. “Sometimes it bites us on the ass in the middle of a show while wearing a bright pink tank top and neon yellow heels.”

A soft moan escapes as she sinks further into the sofa.

She’s asleep.

Great.

Maybe she heard it anyway.

I click the play button and watch Christmas Romance by myself as London James sleeps next to me.