CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
NASH

The clock reads 7:30 when I pull my truck into the parking lot in front of Cherry Street Café. Since I’ve got time to burn, I bring up the group chat with my brothers. Something’s been poking me in the back of my mind for days, and I think it might be time to pay attention.

I shove the phone in my pocket and hop out of the cab of my truck just as I see Ainsley pulling into the parking lot. She hasn’t noticed me yet, so I make my way to the sidewalk to wait for her. When she finally sees me, a sweet smile crosses her face as she tilts her head down and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear. The weight of her energy reaches me first. It’s heavy and all encompassing. Something is hurting her, and I just want to make it go away. “Hi,” I say, trying to find my way through the fog of emotions.

“Thank you for asking me to meet you,” she says, keeping her eyes on the concrete at our feet.

“I always look forward to a chance to see you,” I admit without shame. Might as well be honest at this point, I tell myself motioning towards the side door. I let my hand rest on the small of her back as she makes her way inside. “James will have our table ready for us,” I say, confidently. Just as I suspected, he’s putting the finishing touches on the place settings and leaving our menus for us. “Hi there,” he says, startled when he turns around to find us already standing there.

“Sorry to sneak up on you,” I chuckle.

“No problem, at all. Welcome back.” He motions for us to take our seats. “I’ll be back in just a moment to take your order,” he says, then disappears behind the kitchen doors.

“Now that is a definite perk to the rock star life,” she says through a half-hearted giggle.

“Being able to bypass enormous restaurant lines was really the selling point for me when they asked me to join the band.” I smile, trying to lighten the tension in the air and hoping she can tell my sincerity. I want nothing else than to be here with her in this moment. No strings attached. “Are you okay?” I ask, leaning over and letting my hand rest on top of hers.

She shakes her head but keeps her eyes on the menu. “I’ve been here a thousand times but can’t decide what I want.”

“Would you rather go somewhere else?” I ask, pushing my menu towards the center of the table.

“No.”

Okay. “You said you were having a rough day earlier.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Sigh.

“I know last night was intense,” I admit. Her eyes look up from the menu for the first time since we sat down. “I didn’t mean to scare you away.”

“It’s not that…”

“I can tell you’re scared. I put a lot of pressure on you emotionally, last night. I didn’t mean to.”

“I don’t regret a single thing that happened between us, last night, Nash,” she says with no hesitation in her voice. “It’s not what happened between us that’s bothering me. It’s what’s going on with my sister that I can’t shake,” she admits.

I believe her, even though something inside me tells me it’s more than that. She’s been struggling since their visit the other day. “What happened?”

“I want to be there for her. She’s about to be released.”

That should be good news, shouldn’t it? “That’s good, right?”

“Yes, except she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me during her reentry process, and now Stone is popping up everywhere and I’m afraid he’s going to get to her and just drag her right back down into the mire with him.” She glances up at me through those long eyelashes. “And I’m afraid he’ll end up bringing you down with him, too. He already did more damage than he should’ve been allowed to.”

That’s a lot for her to carry on her shoulders. “Nothing either one of them do is your fault.”

“I know that.” Her hands spread out in front of her with her palms facing up. “The medical training, my years at the hospital, all those things have taught me I cannot hold myself responsible for their actions; but somehow, I still do. At least for hers.”

“You have a good heart,” I say, reaching for her hand. “You just want to do the best you can for your sister because you love her so much. Maybe the best thing you can do is just be kind to yourself.”

“How will that help her?”

“If she sees you being kind to yourself, and loving yourself the way you deserve, then maybe it’ll motivate her to find that within herself, too.”

The creases on her forehead deepen as her eyebrows pull together. “I’m not sure.”

“It’s worth a shot,” I say with a shrug. “If nothing else, you deserve that for yourself, and don’t forget he’s locked up.”

She nods and sinks back into the booth. “He’s been locked up before. He always gets out,” she says with a heavy sigh that tugs at my heart. “What about you? How did your day go?”

“Well, I talked to my brothers about all of those ideas I told you about. We decided to—”

A shrill ringtone sounds off from inside her bag. “I’m sorry,” she sighs. “It’s Lexi.”

“Yeah, go ahead. Family first.” I motion for her to take the call. The last thing I want to do is get in the way of them finding a peaceful resolve.

Her hand covers the speaker as she hits the button to turn the volume down. “Lexi, I only called because—” Her sister’s voice comes through the phone cutting her off. It’s everything I can do to keep quiet and not remind her she deserves much better than how she’s being treated. I try to remind myself family is a delicate and dangerous territory. There have been times I wanted to ring Adair’s neck, and there’ve been times they’ve wanted to strangle me right back. Somehow, we always come through. Hopefully, Ainsley and her sister will come through the other side of this with the same kind of bond I share with my brothers.

Don’t tell them I said that.

“Lexi, we can talk about this more tomorrow. I have to go,” she hisses into the phone. “I’m sorry,” she says, stuffing her phone back into her bag.

“Don’t be.”

“She just pushes every single button I have,” she explains as her fingers fidget with the zipper of her bag, until she looks up at me with tears glistening in her eyes. “We only get a few minutes to talk each week, and that’s how she wants to use them.”

“I’m so sorry.” I scoot around the curved booth so I can put my arm around her, pulling her in close and letting her rest her head against my chest. The fruity aroma of her shampoo floats through the air as I leave a soft kiss against her forehead. The scent makes me smile because it’s hers.

“You know the weirdest thing about that phone call?”

“Hmm?” I’m afraid to speak and break the moment we’re in.

She sniffs and wipes a stray tear from her cheek. “She said she doesn’t blame me, but clearly she does; or she wouldn’t be pulling away. Right?”

“I don’t know.” I wish I had answers, but in this situation, there aren’t any. At least, not any I can give. “Sometimes we do things that seem a certain way when that isn’t the intention at all.”

“We have a lot of healing to do once she’s out. I just don’t even know where to start, especially since I do not know when her reentry program will be finished.”

Healing is a difficult thing for anyone. “I know you’re afraid she won’t find her way out of the darkness, but I can speak from experience. She will find it if she wants to.”

“You’re stronger than most, Nash.”

“I don’t mean me.”

She sits up, pulling back enough to look me in the eye. “Who are you talking about, then?”

“Adair.” That boy was further gone than most of us. “He was circling the drain, but he pulled himself out of it.”

“For Carly?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s what it was. Not entirely, anyway.”

“Then what do you think it was?”

It’s hard to put into words. “I think it was because he found something to believe in. Something bigger than him, so it pulled him out of his self-inflicted misery. Maybe if your sister found something she could immerse herself in, it would help her find her way back too.”

“Maybe,” she says, throwing her hands out to her sides. “I’ll just have to trust that whatever program she ends up in will be one that can handle it.”

“Trust is never easy, but it’s usually worth it,” I say with a slight wink. “Nothing worth having comes easy.”

She leans back and lets out a slow breath. “Nash, I know we took a huge step forward in our relationship, but I’m not sure I’m ready to dive in headfirst right now.”

“I know,” I admit, trying not to let the sound of my crushed hopes come through in my voice. “We can take this slow,” I assure her. “I will not put you under any more pressure than you’re already under.”

Her eyes look brighter, like a weight was just lifted off her back. I think that hurt worse than her words, but I’ll take it if it makes things better for her. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m afraid I will,” she says, unaware of the fact that my heart just burst inside my chest.

“We’ll go at your pace.” Even if that pace is a screeching halt.

“Last night you said you couldn’t go back.”

So, we’re rolling all the way back to friends, huh? “I would rather have you next to me as a friend, than nothing at all.”

“Are you sure about that?” she asks, her eyes locking onto mine, searching for something.

Do I show her the pain I’m in? Or do I make it seem like it’s no big deal, so she doesn’t feel pressured?

Is there a right answer?The hell if I know. If I’ve learned anything about myself after meeting her, it’s that I could make myself do almost anything if it meant staying close to her. “Mm-hmm.”