CHAPTER SIXTEEN
AINSLEY

Voices blend and blur together as they echo inside the cafeteria walls. The hustle and bustle in the commotion is a welcome reprieve from the incessant beeps and alarms of patient monitors. This is the only spot in the entire hospital where I can’t hear those machines. Most of the doctors still have them connected to their phones, so they’ll know if they’re needed; but for now, there is only the sound of conversations and shoes shuffling and squeaking against the tile floor—and my memories of the last time I was in this cafeteria with Nash.

“Have you texted him back, yet?” Maricella asks from across the table as she stabs at the noodles on her plate.

“Huh?” I ask, still lost in my thoughts.

Her narrow-eyed glare shakes me out of it and the guilt hits me square in my chest. “No. Not yet,” I admit, stuffing my next bite in my mouth. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m hoping it will take away the growing ache in the pit of my stomach. I know it’s not hunger, though. The twinges have been coming and going all day. Every single time I let myself think about him.

Last night was beautiful, but what I felt was so intense I thought it might break me. It’s just too much, too fast. I never expected to feel anything like what I’ve felt in the last twenty-four hours for Nash Miller.

She shakes her head and takes a sip of her iced tea from the disposable cup. “You know, you can’t hide yourself away like this, right? At least, not all the time.”

“It’s times like these I’m not sure this work-wife relationship is working out for me.”

“Whatever.” She tosses a balled-up napkin at me. It bounces off my cheek and lands back on the table, rolling to a stop beside my plate. “You know just as well as I do that you’re hiding,” she says.

I thought I knew what I was doing, but then Nash Miller happened, and everything turned into a soupy mess of feelings. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Since your sister…” She pauses and glances up quickly with an apologetic look in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not, but I think you need some tough love right now.”

I grunt into my sandwich, trying to numb myself to the onslaught of emotions washing over me.

“You’ve been living like you’re a ghost.”

“Whatever that’s supposed to mean,” I say, shrugging her comment off while trying to ignore how deeply it punched me in the gut.

She leans forward, resting her chin on her hands with her fingers intertwined. “You’ve been living like a shell of the person you are.”

I hate when she pays this much attention.

“It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to the people who love you,” she says, leaning forward and really drawing out the l-o-v-e. “And it’s not fair to your sister.”

“To my sister?” I squeak. “Okay, you’ve got me. How is it not fair to her? She’s the one who’s spiraling and pushing me out of her life, not the other way around.”

Mari shuffles around the table and takes the seat right next to me, grabbing my hand in hers. “You know how much you mean to me.”

I nod.

“I love you, Ainsley. You’re my best friend, but you’re being a royal pain in the ass.”

“What?” I screech, causing half of the cafeteria to turn their attention to the two women holding hands in the back of the room. I wave and motion for them to continue about their day.

Ugh.

“I’m sorry, but it’s true,” she hiss-whispers at me. “You’re hurting yourself because your sister made a terrible choice. You don’t have to pay some penalty because she screwed up.”

“If I hadn’t—”

“Blah, blah, blah.” She holds her hand up and mocks a mouth opening and closing. “Yes, you met Stone first. You told him no. She didn’t. That’s not your fault. What is your fault is how you’re destroying any chance at happiness you might have now and in the future, by letting yourself stay locked in this singular moment in time; and it’s one you had no control over in the first place.” She takes a deep breath and then holds her hands out wide. “Let. It. Go,” she sing-songs.

The repeated hits of honesty leave me feeling like I have a hangover complete with the pounding headache. “How do I do that?” I ask wondering if it’s even a possibility for me at this point.

She grabs my phone out of the side pocket of my uniform and flicks the screen on. “I think you know how to do that.” She puts it in my hand, wrapping my fingers around the case for me. “Text him.”

Nash’s last message is still displayed on my screen. He’s been nothing but a perfect gentleman, and I’ve been running because I don’t know what to do with that type of person. A metallic taste rises in the back of my throat as the corners of my eyes begin to sting.

Gulp.

“There,” I say with a defeated sigh. “I didn’t leave him hanging.”

She rolls her eyes and slaps her hands against her legs in exasperation. “You also didn’t give him a damn thing to work with. You’re still hiding yourself away.”

“I’m not in the mood for a psychoanalysis, thank you very much.”

“If you keep this up, you might need one.” Her eyebrow arches as she walks back to her side of the table and pops a french fry in her mouth. “I could always call Doctor Green and ask her for a virtual appointment. I think…” she checks the time on her phone, “we’ve got just enough time left to our lunch break.”

“Don’t you dare—”

“Hey, you two.” A strong hand grips my shoulder as a long leg flings itself over the seat next to me. “How’s it going, today?” Kyle asks as he flops into the chair.

Mari gives me a sideways glare as she turns towards our new arrival. “This one,” she says, jabbing her thumb in my direction, “is about to screw up the best thing in her life.”

“Oh?” Kyle’s mouth makes an O shape as a whistle floats out.

“I am not in the mood, guys.”

“Is this about Nash?” he asks with his eyes growing wider by the second.

Maricella nods.

“Stop running from your heart, Ainsley,” he says, sounding like a broken record of everything I just heard from our friend sitting across the table from me.

“How do you even know anything about this?” I ask.

He scoffs and takes a bite of his tofu burger. “I’ve been working here for a while. We’re friends. I notice things.”

“Is it really that obvious that I’m in love with him?”

They both groan and nod their heads, emphatically. “Yes,” they echo each other. “Even if you won’t mention his last name,” Kyle adds. “That just makes me think I’m right about who I think it is, anyway.”

I wave my finger in his face. “You don’t know anything.” I try to myself sound as threatening as possible. The last thing I want to do is cause Nash any issues with his privacy. He’s tried so hard to stay out of the limelight, while still being in it. It’s a weird and delicate balance. I don’t want to be the one to screw it up.

My phone beeps and a reminder flashes on-screen. 29 days to go…

“She gets out in less than a month and Stone is showing up everywhere.”

“So what?” Kyle scoffs.

So what? I’m terrified I’m going to lead him right to her again. “So, it’s a lot, and I just don’t have room for anything else, right now. Okay?” My mind wanders to the memories of how Nash’s lips felt pressed against mine last night and how comforting the warmth of his body was as he pulled me to his chest. “I really don’t.”

“Are you trying to convince us?” Kyle asks, flicking his finger back and forth between him and Maricella. “Or yourself?”

She cocks an eyebrow at me. “I think I know the answer to that one.”

“Maybe it’s both,” I admit, letting my head flop onto my arms on top of the table. “I know what I want, I just don’t think I’m strong to enough to handle everything that’s happening in my life right now, and I know for a fact I can’t handle adding anything else on top of it.”

“You,” Kyle wraps an arm around my shoulder and gives it a light squeeze, “are strong enough to lead an entire nursing team for the largest hospital in the city. You are the definition of strength. Get your head in the game and go after what you want.”

“He’s right.” Maricella purses her lips together as if she’s trying to decide if she should say what she’s thinking. “Sometimes, when you add something, or someone, else to the mix, a weird thing happens…”

“And what is the weird thing that sometimes happens?” I ask, hooked.

She lets a soft smile transform her expression as she gazes at me through sad eyes full of pity. I don’t want pity. It makes me uncomfortable. “They make life easier,” she says with a sigh.

“And what if that person is closer than I ever imagined, and it’s terrifying?”

“Then you reach out and grab them,” Kyle answers confidently.

Maricella nods her head. “And never let them go.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Kyle asks.

That’s exactly what I’m afraid of answering. 

“You both experience a breathtaking romance,” he continues. “And then maybe you both get your hearts broken. If you never feel that in your life, are you even living?”

If only it was just heartbreak, I feared. “Wait a minute.” I suddenly remember something. “Did you decide what you were going to do about your… situation?” I ask, trying to be delicate enough Kyle won’t be able to follow along, but direct enough she’ll know what I’m talking and take the hint.

The corners of her mouth lift into a sly grin. “Maybe.”

I’m curious, but don’t push the issue any further. Kyle handles that for me.

“What are we talking about?” he asks, oblivious to the fact that he was supposed to be excluded from this part of the conversation.

Just as I start to tell him it’s a big old secret, Mari cuts me off. “I broke up with my boyfriend last week,” she says nonchalantly.

I can feel his body tense beside me, like he’s having to talk himself back from the brink of the cliff. If it were me and Nash, I can imagine everything I would want to tell him. It would feel like I was dying on the inside. Kind of how I feel right now as I think about the conversation, I need to have with Nash later. It’s probably how Kyle is feeling in this moment. “Love sucks,” I blurt out with a chuckle.

It doesn’t though.

It’s a beautiful chaos and I want to get lost inside of it—with Nash. Kyle’s uncomfortable clearing of his throat brings me back into the moment with them. I almost feel sorry for him, but judging from the look in Mari’s eyes, I think they’re going to do just fine. I’m the only one here who can’t seem to get my act together. Nash and I had the most beautiful moment together last night and what did I do? I freaked the eff out this morning and shut down on him. Maybe he’ll give me a chance to explain. “If you’ll excuse me,” I say, grabbing my tray from the table. “I’ve got some phone calls to make before I have to get back to work.”

They both nod but are too wrapped up in their non-verbal conversation to pay attention to anything else going on around them. The glances they’re exchanging back and forth are loud enough for the entire hospital to pick up on. I hope they both get what they’re after.

Just as I’m about to call Nash, my phone rings. “Hello. This is Ainsley,” I answer before checking the caller ID.

“Ainsley, I read your email from this morning.”

“Oh, good.” I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear her parole officer on the other side of the line. “I was just thinking maybe one of those facilities would suit her transition back into—”

“You know your sister requested for all of her reentry information to be kept confidential—even from you,” he reminds me.

I’m all too aware of that fact. “Yes, I remember. They were just suggestions based on—”

He clears his throat, interrupting me. “I know you have a wide connection base. I also realize this is personal for you, but none of those facts change the laws I have to adhere to. I would love to help you, but I am obligated to help your sister first. I just can’t discuss the matter with you unless she gives me clearance to do so.”

“I understand,” I say, feeling utterly defeated as I tap the button to end the call.

Message received from Nash Miller… My breath catches in my throat as I try to decide if I should open it or not. I don’t know why I thought I could avoid it; the pull is too strong. I tap his handsome face, which is still smiling at me from the chat head bubble, to open the message chain.

My heart flutters in my chest as my stomach feels like it’s dropping to the floor. It’s like I’m jumping off the edge of the cliff; thrilled by the possibilities, while being terrified of those same possibilities.