CHAPTER TEN
AINSLEY

“What do you think of this one?” Carly asks, spinning her phone around so I can see an image of yet another wedding gown. She’s been here since early this morning and we’ve been looking at wedding gowns, flowers, and everything sparkly since. I take a sip of my third cup of coffee and let the warmth attempt to wash away all the thoughts still running through my mind from yesterday.

“Uh-huh,” I grunt. “It looks like you.”

“Okay, that’s it.” She taps the button, turning off her screen as she reaches across the sofa and yanks my tablet out of my hands.

“Hey, I’m scrolling here!” I say, sticking out my tongue.

She rolls her eyes and lets her head flop backwards in a super dramatic, exasperated sigh. “What’s going on with you, today?”

I hold my arms out wide. “What do you mean?”

She gives me a deadpan glare that makes me self-conscious, so I pick at invisible pieces of lint on my llama pajama pants. “Look at this dress,” she half-screeches, spinning her phone around so I can get a better view of the atrocity.

“Okay, my bad.” I cringe as one hand shoots up to shield my eyes. “That’s horrible! It looks like she’s wearing a lampshade. I need the eye bleach.”

“Exactly.” She tosses her phone on top of the coffee table and leans back, settling in with one leg tucked underneath her. “And not one of the good lampshades, either. It’s like one of 

those barrel shades that were in every grandma’s house in the eighties.”

She’s right. “My grandma had one of those.”

“Everyone’s did but stop trying to change the subject. You’ve been like this all day. What’s up? Did something happen yesterday while you were with your sister?”

I admit, I have been distracted for a while, and it became dramatically worse over the last twenty-four hours. “I’m just exhausted. It was a long day.”

“I’m not buying it.” She crosses her arms in front of her as she sinks back further into the gunmetal colored cushions of my sofa. “This isn’t a tired Ainsley. This is a very distracted Ainsley.”

The curse of spending time with someone else, they learn all your tells. I guess that’s also the beauty of spending time with someone else because they know you well enough to learn your tells. I’ve always believed people would take that knowledge and use it against me, like somehow it would make me weaker to have someone I could trust with my deepest, darkest secrets. After yesterday, spending all that time with Nash and telling him about my sister, and how I believe it’s my fault she’s stuck where she is, and then him telling me about his past, it feels like maybe letting the people I care about see those hidden pieces of me might not be so terrifying after all. “Okay, fine,” I sigh. “I am distracted.”

“Uh-huh,” she says, popping a piece of sour cream and onion popcorn in her mouth. “Get to the part I don’t already know.”

“Nash—”

“Oh!” she squeals, sitting straight up, which sends the popcorn bowl flying off her lap and tumbling onto the floor. Little balls of green speckled snacky goodness roll across my white living room rug.

I let out a growl as I watch a popcorn kernel keep rolling even after all the others stopped.

“Uh, sorry,” she says with a cringe as she hops up, grabbing the broom from my pantry closet just off the kitchen. “I’ll take care of it. Keep going.” She motions with her free hand for me to continue.

“So, I went to see my sister yesterday.” She already knows that part, though.

“I’m sorry.” She shakes her head. “I should’ve gone with you.”

“No, it’s fine.” I wave my hand in the air. “That’s not the reason I’m distracted.”

“Then what is?”

Do I want to admit I can’t stop thinking about this deep, and incredibly hot guy? No, I don’t think I do. “So, when my car broke down—”

“Wait.” She holds up both hands, letting the broom handle lean against her to keep it propped up. “Your car broke down? Why didn’t you call me? I would have picked you up.”

“Well…”

She narrows her eyes at me and waits.

I close both eyes and take a deep breath, trying to shake off my nerves. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable, like in high school when I had to present an assignment to the class. The night before the assignment was due, I would always have the same dream. It sucked. I had all my notes and was fully prepared, but then as soon as I walked up to the front of class all my clothes vanished right along with my notes. So, there I was standing in front of the entire school, butt-freaking-naked and without a clue of what I was supposed to say. That’s what this feels like as Carly’s eyes grow wider with irritation and anticipation of what I’m going to say next. “Nash showed up before the tow-truck driver even got there.”

“Oh my gosh.” She hops up and down twice, clapping her hands together as she does.

“It’s nothing.” The last thing I want is for her to get all excited about the idea of Nash and I actually developing a relationship. Relationships and I don’t get along very well. “Really.”

“Don’t give me that crap,” she scoffs. “It’s definitely something, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I groan, letting myself fall over on the sofa with my face landing on a pillow. I grab it, holding it in place so I can hide the ridiculous smile on my face. “It’s stupid. I know.” My voice sounds muffled by the pillow, and it makes me laugh.

“It isn’t stupid,” she says, yanking the pillow away from my face and hitting me playfully with it on top of my head. “You’re blushing! I knew you liked him, but you’re totally falling for him.”

I grit my teeth, still trying to fight the smile threatening to betray me. Just hearing his name when she said it just now gave me the exact feeling of being pulled along on a roller coaster and then all of a sudden, there’s a loud click. The tracks stop pulling the carts along and leave them teetering there on the top of the hill. The view is incredible. Everything is beautiful from up that high, but it’s terrifying and then you look down…

The butterflies, just like the ones that fill your stomach from the top of that hill, are taking flight in my core right now. “I really like him,” I admit.

Her eyes study mine as she makes her way back from where she just returned my broom to its home in the pantry closet. “But?” she asks, reclaiming her seat on the sofa next to me. “You’re hesitant.”

Of course, she would have to hear the hesitancy in my voice and make me talk about it.

“But…” I swallow hard, trying to steel my nerves and convince myself to discuss my feelings. That’s never been easy for me. “I’ve had walls up my entire life,” I admit. “They got worse after my sister.”

“Ainsley, that makes perfect sense given the situation you were in.” She pats my leg to comfort me. But I just feel like I’m whining and should stop talking before I say too much.

“Maybe,” I continue, against my better judgment. “I felt like if we couldn’t trust each other, then who can we trust?”

“You did the right thing, Ainsley.”

Who knows how far it might’ve gone if I hadn’t stepped in when I did, but that doesn’t change how I feel about it. “I know I did the right thing—turning her in—but it doesn’t change the weight of the guilt I still carry from it. Could I have helped her before it got that far? Did I let her down?”

“You did not let her down. You saved her life.”

I shrug. “I just don’t know if I’m in a place where I can be in a relationship, right now. It just feels kind of pointless, you know? Like it’s just going to end up in unnecessary pain if we keep going.”

Her eyes scan mine, looking for something. “You’re afraid you’ll hurt him, aren’t you?”

I nod, wiping a stray tear from my cheek. “Five seconds ago, I was grinning like a maniac and now I’m trying not to cry. I’m a freaking basket case. Clearly, I’m not stable enough for a relationship.”

Her arm wraps around my shoulders, pulling me closer to her so my head is leaning against her. “Listen to me, it’s okay to feel things. It’s okay to feel big things. It’s even okay to be happy and sad all at the same time.”

“I think I might be broken,” I admit through a sob.

“You are not broken. Do you hear me?”

I nod, letting my tears stain the sleeve of her shirt. “Sorry, about your shirt.”

“Whatever, it’s fine. Adair bought it for me. I just wore it, so he’d quit asking me if I liked it. Spoiler alert, I don’t like it.”

I snort out a laugh, cringing at how gross I must look right now. “You’ve known Amaryllis practically your whole life, right?” I ask, reaching for a tissue.

She nods.

“So, you must remember what Nash was like before the accident.”

She nods again. “He was your typical high school dropout. Did he tell you about it?”

“Yes.” I almost choke on the word as tears well up in my eyes again, making everything go blurry all at once. It makes me nauseous from the sudden shift. “He told me about a lot of things, yesterday.”

“Good,” she says. “Did he also tell you how he’s changed over the years?”

I nod. “And how he’s been sober for years.”

She gives me a blank stare while I try to find my words.

“I triggered my sister’s addiction without even knowing it. If I could do that to her, someone I love as much as I love her, then what might I end up doing to Nash? I can’t risk hurting him in that way. He’s a good man and doesn’t deserve to be drug back through the trenches again.”

Her hand rubs my arm the same way I used to comfort Lexi when we were younger. If I had done something different, would she have stayed out of trouble. Maybe she wouldn’t have had to spend the last several years of her life locked behind high security bars.

“It’s not like he’s been living in a bubble. They’re out on the road, touring, engrossed in the rock-and-roll music scene. He’s not teetering on the brink, Ainsley. He’s grown a lot since then. That’s just not the life he wants, and he knows that.”

My brain knows she’s right, but the heart acts like a stubborn and defiant little child sometimes. “I know he’s doing well, right now; but in my line of work, I see it all too often.”

“See what?”

“How recovery is a deeply personal and unique journey for everyone. I might be falling for him—hard; but that’s the same reason I should keep my distance. Changes in routine, added stress, anything can flip a switch and the road to recovery can morph into a slide back into the addiction almost instantly. I don’t want to bring him down when he’s done so much to turn his life around.”

She pats my leg and stands up, heading toward my kitchen. “I think we need some more coffee.”

“That’ll be four cups for me.”

“Is that an issue?” she laughs with a silly look on her face. The coffee pot hisses to life as she taps the button on top, filling the room with the warm earthy aroma. “I understand where you’re coming from. I do, but you should know that Nash is committed to his sobriety. He hasn’t flinched in over fifteen years.”

He told me that, too.

“Before you write yourself out of his life because you’re afraid of hurting him, maybe you should think about what you want out of the rest of your life.”

“What do you mean by that?”

She hands me my mug and I bring it to my lips, letting the warm aroma fill my nostrils as I try to ignore the burning in the corners of my eyes. “Do you really want to shrink back and watch him keep moving forward with his life, when you’re not moving forward with yours?” she asks.

“I want him to be happy.”

She clears her throat and cocks her head to the side. “Let me rephrase my question. Do you want to be the one he’s happy with?”

I nod.

“Then don’t be afraid of yourself. You are my favorite human on this planet, even over Adair.”

“Well, Adair is…” I wiggle my hand in a fifty-fifty motion.

She laughs, knowing I’m just teasing. “Listen, I understand what you’re going through. I do.”

“Having Stone as a brother probably helps.”

She lets out a low whistle. “It sure does. He’s given me more emotional and mental scars than I can count. He’s also taught me that no matter how hard I try, he’s going to make his own decisions and as much as I don’t agree with most of them, I have to let him live his life; and if I didn’t have Stone as a brother, we never would’ve met.”

“That is a very good point,” I admit.

“Nash is the most level-headed and grounded man I’ve ever met.”

Same.

“You can’t decide anything without information, and sweetie… you’ve got zero information right now, unless you count your fears.”

“Damn it.” The coffee burns as it goes down, taking the lump in my throat with it. “You’re right.”

“Give him a chance.” She tilts her head and gives me that knowing look that only best friends can give. “Give yourself a chance, then decide what you need to do.”

“How do I do that when I don’t trust myself?”

Her lips purse together as she thinks about it. “I think you learn to do that one step at a time. Like when I wasn’t sure if I should just let Adair go, or give it one last chance.”

“How did you know?”

“I didn’t.” A soft smile tugs at her lips. “Alexei knew and then he helped me embrace what I already knew but hadn’t accepted yet.”

“Alexei?” I ask, thoroughly confused. “You mean the doorman at your complex?”

She nods.

“How?”

“I came back one night with Ridge, and he stopped me in the lobby. He wanted to make sure I was okay because my eyes were different. He saw the way they were when Adair was around, even when he was pissing me off, and then he saw how they were when Ridge was around. I was a shell of myself when I was with anyone who wasn’t Adair because they weren’t my first choice. That night I learned if I couldn’t be with Adair, then I was much better alone. Trying to be with someone who wasn’t right for me would suck the life out of me. I’m glad Adair worked on himself and we’re together now, but I learned to trust myself enough that I would’ve still been comfortable with my own company if that hadn’t been the case.”

“I’m more comfortable being alone than I am being with someone, even someone I’m head over heels about,” I admit with a cringe. “What’s that say about me?”

“It says, you trust yourself more than you’re letting yourself believe you do.”

Hmm.

“If you didn’t trust yourself, then you wouldn’t be comfortable in your own company. The fact you are comfortable means you know you can trust yourself, and that means you can also trust your feelings—even the big ones,” she giggles with a goofy wink.

Maybe she’s right.

And maybe I’m about to go headfirst over that cliff I’ve been teetering at the top of. That might not be so bad, if Nash is there to catch me.

“What are you thinking about?”

I bite my lip as I run replay my conversation with Nash in my mind. “He said he wanted to make a difference…”

“Uh-huh.”

“I think I have an idea.” I jump up and grab my phone from the coffee table, swiping at the screen until I find his profile picture. Calling Nash…

“Hi,” he answers in a tone that sends a bolt of electricity through my core.

Ahem, I clear my throat and tell myself, Pull it together. “Do you want to grab some lunch with me?”

“Sure. Where at?” he responds without a moment of hesitation.

“The diner on Cherry Street in about a half-hour?”

“I’ll be there.” The line goes dead, and I turn back around to find my very confused best friend sitting there giving me the sideways glare.

“I think I know how to help him make the difference he’s wanting to make, without having to give up his career in the process.” I throw my hands up in the air and make my way to my closet. “Now, I have to figure out what to wear.” I flip through the clothes hanging up on the rod, settling on a pair of my favorite jeans, a vintage band shirt, a red blazer, and matching red spiked heels. “If I’m going to meet him, I might as well make sure I look equal parts rock-and-roll and businesswoman, right?” I yell down the hall to Carly.

“You don’t have to impress him,” she yells back.

“I’m well aware of that,” I say, tugging the shirt over my head. “But what woman doesn’t worry about what to wear when they’re meeting their—”

“Oh!” She jumps up and runs down my hallway, bursting through the door to my room as I’m still tugging my jeans up. The sudden noise of the door hitting my wall shocks me, causing me to fall over onto my bed. “You almost admitted it!”

“Fine. I admit it. I like the guy. Get out!” I squeal through an embarrassed giggle.

She closes the door and yells back at me. “I effing knew it! You’re dating him!”

“No. We’re not.”

“You are.”

“Nope,” I say, shaking my head as if she could see me through the door. I’m not dating him. I’m just meeting him for lunch and to discuss a business idea. Yep, that’s all… I reach up, running my fingers through my hair to make sure it’s laying where it’s supposed to and lean in to check my lipstick when it hits me. “Damn it!”

“Told you!”